Happy Holidays Everyone. Hope everyone has managed to get through and maybe even enjoy some.
I spent Christmas day at the hospital with my sister. Merrick went in on the Tues before Christmas. She is still in the hospital but out of ICU.
She ignored her symptoms, as usual, agrees to go when she could barely breathe. This situation has caused me upsetment, and having to deal with my family. Nothing has changed and I desperately try to not get sucked in. I am upset about Merrick’s health. Please say a prayer for her recovery.
I am feeling better. Walking on thin ice emotionally. I was surprised by the people who so quickly reached out with positive words. Thank You, it means a lot. Surprising to me that people care and take the time to reach out to me. The first response felt like a very unexpected hug. I needed that!
I hear the hurt from so many people this time of year. Wish there was a true way of making that stop. Many of us have learned to deal with it, and life goes on. So many people are damaged and walking around in pain. I can’t accept that there is nothing that can be done to stop or at least help the children growing up in this today. There is a daily story of some terrible thing being done to children, women and animals. All the smart people in this world and we can’t stop this from happening daily! That is my wish this year, somehow we are able to save more, from having to live with abuse and terror.
Is it the holidays or just the end to another year. I work so hard to stay positive, teetering on the brink of depression. I feel grateful for what I have and for my survival. Tears are fought back on a daily basis, but there is nothing I can pin point as the cause. My sister is not well and I worry about her.
I am not one of those people who like to talk politics, but we are in trouble! Our world does not seem to be heading in a good direction.
Just sad memories and dark days. I hope this gets better, soon!
Thank you Julie, just read your post and made me think. I was so trained to smile and trudge forward, it never occurred that I could hide from all this. My self worth was so low, I found myself married to an alcoholic. The Drama and pain was very comfortable for me. I look back now and realize just how damaged I was back then.
Yes, you can love and loathe a person. I tried to get my fathers life, but I can’t. Just as people say to me, “I can’t image how you grew up”. No you can’t, but I can’t imagine the family that created my father.
I have a son, who I Love very much. But, more importantly, I Really Like Him. His life has not been easy. He went to school with all his classmates learning about his grandfather in criminal justice class. He is learning to not worry about the ugly people we share this world with. The man I am married to today is many if the things I was missing. I am safe and happy. My son and husband are very funny when then both agree to do something because they know it will make me happy.I love them so very much. I like not being afraid everyday.
We move forward and can gladly say that none of us are continuing to bear the violence of our Father. We are not carrying that ugliness into our future’s. I sometimes read the newspaper or watch the news and realize there are many Damaged people out there. This is very upsetting to me. I pray that no one is in my childhood home. If they are please help them to be strong and live to be able to make there own choices. Also, give themselves a break, it is a long recovery.
Hope everyone enjoys Today.
It has been a while since I have written, busy living life I guess. I continue to try to regain my life.
I had taken my rights back from my mother. Now my brother and sister have also. My sister, being the oldest of the children, owns my Father’s rights. We have recovered the money from my Father’s life insurance. We are working on getting our possessions back. So many of our things were taken when my father was arrested. But once the charges for Racketeering were dropped these things should have been returned. We have never gotten any of our things back. We were children and taking our childhood things had nothing to do with the case against my father. We survived and bear the scars to prove it. Im done apologizing for my father’s actions. I was powerless to do anything, I didn’t really understand what was going on
Life continues, the Good and the Bad. I continue to have issues with my MS. Expected as I get older. I feel as though I am truly Christin at this point in my life. No more lies or magic “Payday Monday”.I live a”normal” life. This is my first try at normal and it’s pretty cool. I could never go back to my childhood life. Recently, my Mothe made a comment about after my father was arrested she went back to her normal life. Oh, that’s right she lived normal for 20 yes before my father came into her life. Why and how could the way we lived ever be allowed if you knew better? I don’t understand. Moving forward, I am grateful for what I have and will continue to strive for better.
Stay warm and Healthy!
I gave that interview because it was the first time I spoke freely. It was very therapeutic for me. I said a lot of things that were not included, which is not unusual. They showed all my good feelings and memories toward my father.
We had good times, always overshadowed by the fear of his temper. He decided what we were going to do and we all went along smiling. There were no choices for us. Everyone knows that you don’t feel like smiling 24/7. But we did, when my Dad was home. Just thinking about it makes me nervous. If my sister and I were having a “disagreement”, we usually had it with one of us looking out the window to make sure he didn’t come home, and hear us fighting. But he was so Damn quiet, he could be in the house and no one knew. I have been talking to my sister again. It is good to talk to her, we survived so much together. Things that only she and I understand.
We were very close growing up. We stood together wondering so many times, “would this be the time that he went too far”. We never imagined it would end how it has. We had hoped for so long that someone would stop him, but believed that no one ever would or could. The fact that we got free of him and live a life without fear is amazing. We are now realizing all that we went through and WE SURVIVED! It has been a long rough road , so many things have happened since he has been gone. strange how I see things differently now. More clearly , I think, for the first time in my life I am putting the past behind me. dealing with it and putting it away. It will always be in my head but it would be nice not to have it in the front of my memories all the time.
Barbara continues to sell my family photos, and has begun selling our home movies as well. They were suppose to be ours, not hers, not all the worlds. My family videos, me and my sister playing and growing up, always wearing the same outfits. My brother running around as a toddler. My Memories. My father took everyone of those videos of us, his children. I have recently taken my rights back from her. All future pictures and videos that she sells will have my face blocked out. This should be interesting.
I think I would feel differently if she didn’t act like she isn’t doing anything wrong. Since my father was arrested I said, “I do not want to be involved in any of the media”. That was never respected and she always involved me, calling me crying that if, “I didn’t let them use my pictures,” it would ruin her project. I have taken care of her for many years, as has my sister. She would get a large check from one of the HBO specials or something. I would say lets buy a house, I will make the monthly payments you put the down payment down. That never happened, so we rented and paid someone else’s mortgage. Time after time she would get a check and in a month or two, she was broke again and we had to buy her cigarettes. She feels that she gave us all money, and she did! But she controlled it, she gave me the money to pay for my Divorce. She wanted me divorced so she would pay for that. we never got a lump of money to do what we wanted to do with it. I would have gotten a house, so that it was mine, and no one could make me move. She always had to control the money, I do appreciate the divorce and the other bills she paid, but would have liked to make my own decisions about what I did with my money. Especially, since we were always a part of “Her” projects.
We always have lived in the extremes. We live well and spend freely or we are broke. Trust me this is not a good way to live. Stability is definitely preferred. I want to buy a house so I can leave it to my son.
I am a fighter and will continue to struggle for what I want!
I told my brother about my blog, now my family is following it! Dwayne voiced himself and I approved it. Felt that he had a right to reply. Then Barbara replied and I edited what she said before po…
Source: Alot going on…
So let me start by explaining what happened on my blog. I had told Dwayne that I had a Blog, and that writing the truth felt really good. He then mentioned it to my sister, she found it, read it and told him I was making them both look like liars. He read it and commented to a blog follower of mine and thought this person was way out of line.
Ok, I apologize for his interjections. Now I’m done with that!
To all the people who have had positive comments and encouraged me to write, I Thank You. This is an outlet for me. I am working through my issues. Most of the people who comment to me, see that and find my story interesting. To the Haters, or people who know me personally, (or think they do). If you don’t like my Blog, don’t read it. Obviously there are some that I need to say that too. If you are reading it for any reason other than your own interest or curiosity. Please stop. Life is hard enough. No one needs others to make it harder, I know I don’t.
We are have some really crazy weather in NY. I am hating it. Between menopause, my MS and just people human; I am never comfortable. During the night, the blankets on and then the blankets off, all through the night. Yuck!! I have taken a few more falls, so I am going to the doctor soon to see if there is some type of assistance equipment that will help me to walk. I need to continue walking my dog, LOL.
So I bought the new book, “the Stash Plan”, it sounded like exactly what I need. But it requires you have a Gallbladder, but I had mine removed years ago. So this cleanse is not going to work for me. So I continue to search for a program to help me shed weight and get healthy. Im still not smoking. In fact I have gotten serious and no more cheating with a drag or cigarette here and there.My thighs are weak so I need to strengthen them. But I need to stay standing.
My life is very calm and I’m really loving it. I made Easter Dinner for just the three of us. and it was really nice, ( so easy compared to what I’ve cooked for so many years). So I have been working on budgeting and have a plan in the house. I know it sounds crazy but I never learned about that stuff. I think it is finally clicking. HOPEFULLY, I will be able to successfully budget. I really want to save money and buy this house we are living in. So Positive actions going forward.
Well, the weather is supposed to get warm and stay warm now. I want to start a small garden, but I know my Beagle Coonhound will eat everything. Gonna look into some type of small table garden. Just a few spices and maybe a little lettuce or tomatoes. We will have to see how that goes. I realized recently that I have no plants in the house. I always have had plants in the house, so it’s time to buy a few and bring the life back inside the house.
All good stuff. I hope everyone following is doing well. Let me know if you have any suggestions for me. Thanks!!
I have had a few days to think, I tried to contact my brother. He isn’t taking my calls. wish I could say, I was surprised.
I laugh thinking of all the times my mother would say, ” he is dead to me”, for some infraction that he had done. I Think my sister has been “Dead To Her”, the most times. I have only been, “Dead to her”, once before my current Death!
And the all the times I went to my mother, on behalf of my brother, pleading his side and telling her ,” He is your Son!”. She had disowned him and had made it clear with me , because we were living together,” If your brother comes to visit you, He is not welcomed in my apartment.” So when my brother called me and asked to come for a visit, he wanted to tell Mom that his girlfriend was pregnant. He was going to be a father! I made plans with him to come for dinner, then I headed downstairs to talk to my Mother. As soon as I got the words out of my mouth, ” Dwayne was coming for dinner”. She told me that it was my business if I chose to see my brother but he was not welcome in her appartment.
I asked her to sit I had something I needed to discuss with her, she grudgingly sat. “Mom, I need to talk to you,” she started to complain, but I over spoke her complaints and told her why Dwayne was coming. Needless to say ,He is now a God.
So now, I will have no contact with any of my family. I already know that she had told my brother that when she died, he was not to tell me or allow me at services. What she didn’t know was I said I was done with her. I Meant It. I would not seek an invitation. I did not go to my father’s HBO sponsored wake, and I will not attend my mothers.
I am, “OK”, with this.