I gave that interview because it was the first time I spoke freely. It was very therapeutic for me. I said a lot of things that were not included, which is not unusual. They showed all my good feelings and memories toward my father.
We had good times, always overshadowed by the fear of his temper. He decided what we were going to do and we all went along smiling. There were no choices for us. Everyone knows that you don’t feel like smiling 24/7. But we did, when my Dad was home. Just thinking about it makes me nervous. If my sister and I were having a “disagreement”, we usually had it with one of us looking out the window to make sure he didn’t come home, and hear us fighting. But he was so Damn quiet, he could be in the house and no one knew. I have been talking to my sister again. It is good to talk to her, we survived so much together. Things that only she and I understand.
We were very close growing up. We stood together wondering so many times, “would this be the time that he went too far”. We never imagined it would end how it has. We had hoped for so long that someone would stop him, but believed that no one ever would or could. The fact that we got free of him and live a life without fear is amazing. We are now realizing all that we went through and WE SURVIVED! It has been a long rough road , so many things have happened since he has been gone. strange how I see things differently now. More clearly , I think, for the first time in my life I am putting the past behind me. dealing with it and putting it away. It will always be in my head but it would be nice not to have it in the front of my memories all the time.
Barbara continues to sell my family photos, and has begun selling our home movies as well. They were suppose to be ours, not hers, not all the worlds. My family videos, me and my sister playing and growing up, always wearing the same outfits. My brother running around as a toddler. My Memories. My father took everyone of those videos of us, his children. I have recently taken my rights back from her. All future pictures and videos that she sells will have my face blocked out. This should be interesting.
I think I would feel differently if she didn’t act like she isn’t doing anything wrong. Since my father was arrested I said, “I do not want to be involved in any of the media”. That was never respected and she always involved me, calling me crying that if, “I didn’t let them use my pictures,” it would ruin her project. I have taken care of her for many years, as has my sister. She would get a large check from one of the HBO specials or something. I would say lets buy a house, I will make the monthly payments you put the down payment down. That never happened, so we rented and paid someone else’s mortgage. Time after time she would get a check and in a month or two, she was broke again and we had to buy her cigarettes. She feels that she gave us all money, and she did! But she controlled it, she gave me the money to pay for my Divorce. She wanted me divorced so she would pay for that. we never got a lump of money to do what we wanted to do with it. I would have gotten a house, so that it was mine, and no one could make me move. She always had to control the money, I do appreciate the divorce and the other bills she paid, but would have liked to make my own decisions about what I did with my money. Especially, since we were always a part of “Her” projects.
We always have lived in the extremes. We live well and spend freely or we are broke. Trust me this is not a good way to live. Stability is definitely preferred. I want to buy a house so I can leave it to my son.
I am a fighter and will continue to struggle for what I want!