I Forge forward without my Family

I have had a few days to think, I tried to contact my brother. He isn’t taking my calls. wish I could say, I was surprised.

I laugh thinking of all the times my mother would say, ” he is dead to me”, for some infraction that he had done. I Think my sister has been “Dead To Her”, the most times. I have only been, “Dead to her”, once before my current Death!

And the all the times I went to my mother, on behalf of my brother, pleading his side and telling her ,” He is your Son!”.  She had disowned him and had made it clear with me , because we were living together,” If your brother comes to visit you,  He is not welcomed in my apartment.” So when my brother called me and asked to come for a visit, he wanted to tell Mom that his girlfriend was pregnant. He was going to be a father! I made plans with him to come for dinner, then I headed downstairs to talk to my Mother.  As soon as I got the words out of my mouth, ” Dwayne was coming for dinner”. She told me that it was my business if I chose to see my brother but he was not welcome in her appartment.

I asked her to sit I had something I needed to discuss with her, she grudgingly sat. “Mom, I need to talk to you,” she started to complain, but I over spoke her complaints and told her why Dwayne was coming.   Needless to say ,He is now a God.

So now, I will have no contact with any of my family. I already know that she had told my brother that when she died, he was not to tell me or allow me at services. What she didn’t know was I said I was done with her. I Meant It.  I would not seek an invitation. I did not go to my father’s HBO sponsored wake, and I will not attend my mothers.

I am, “OK”, with this.



They can still hurt me…

As those of you who follow me know, I have no contact with my mother and sister. My life has gotten much easier for me. My Multiple Sclerosis has been stable, and I’m doing well.

One day last week my brother called me, saying that it had been awhile since we had seen each other and he wants d to come for a visit. I was thrilled!

His next sentence floored me. It seems that he can’t find my mother’s Lennox dinnerware that I had packed. After a brief conversation of me explaining that I had packed it into 4 boxess. He stated that either I didn’t pack it or my sister took it. These were the only 2 possible explanation.

I was very upset. As I cried, my husband got angry and my son told me not to get upset.take it from where it comes. I am not a liar or theif, but my siblings are. Some time passed and then my brother called! He owed me an appology, he found the boxes with the china. So the upsetment he caused iin my house was his error.

It’s been. About a week and he hasn’t called about visiting. I’m hurt and angry that I let them still hurt me.








Almost the Fourth of July.

I remember my father brought home a bunch of fire crackers one year. I was about 18 so my brother, Dwayne, would have been 13 . I was out with a friend for a few hours and when I got home…

My sister was watching TV  in the family room. My father was upstairs watching TV and Dwayne came running to meet me as I walked in. Apparently, my father was lighting fireworks with Dwayne.  He blew up his hand and was waiting for me to take care of it. This injury was more than I could fix. So I took him to the hospital.  I already had a form at the hospital that allowed me to have my brother treated. ( I had taken him before when he dislocated his knee ). My father would not go to the hospital I think he thought they would see his crazy. If only that were true if some how we could tell the people who behaved badly just by sight. 

No more abused children, animals, wives or husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends we would know. No more hiding. People not hiding ugly secrets!

Imagine That!

I have looked on Facebook and other forums.

My father is praised and so many people are impressed by him. Please do not idolize him or believe in any way that he deserves your praise.

He was a very sick man. He never received the help and guidance he so desperately needed. If you have questions please ask, if I can answer I will. He does not deserve a following. He was very charming but a murderer.

 Family is the most important thing in your life. ?

I have spent so many years trying to please my family. Why would I strive so hard to please and impress these people who Have not impressed me. After so many years of being unhappy and trying to fit into the craziness.

I have had to reevaluate myself.  I like people and enjoy being alone also. But I can choose the people I spend time with. No to feeling obligated to be nice to someone who is not someone I want to be around, just because they are  family.  Some families are not a good fit for you. Like mine is not good for me.  When a family gathering can shut you down with anxiety, why would you look forward to it. Now that I have given myself permission to live my life and not be guilted into things.  Isn’t this what being an adult means? You choose who is good for you. The people who make you feel good. The dysfunction continues long after my father is gone.

I have so many friends who come from normal families, and they are stressed out and dreading the holiday get togethers.  It is very freeing to make the decision not to be a part of something that has made you miserable for so long. Personal evaluation is difficult but definitely worth doing. It is difficult to truly look at yourself. Your actions and reactions.

Many people have suggested I Write a Book

Part of me finds that inspiring. The Real Truth the way I saw it! Awesome. Where do I begin and would I be promoting this story of ugliness? Would it help someone, would it help me heal. I could definitely use the money and maybe for once I wouldn’t have to worry about having a roof over my head.
Has anyone reading this written a book??

A good Memory

As a little girl in West New York NJ, I remember my father building us an igloo in the snow. He worked for hours packing the large pile of snow. Then he dug out an entrance. We were so excited he was smiling and proud of his construction. We played in it and had a really good day.
Unfortunately, there was always that little voice praying that no one would do anything to make him mad. The voice hinders all my good memories. He could be such a big kid and simple pleasures.